i wrote this on a blog called SSOW. Secret Society of Woman. I know it was before Don died in April so i'm guessing it's from March or earlier. i've answered some of the questions i had but isn't it amazing how the mind works when you open it and let it spill on pages. i wish i could write better. not sure what better is so i write as if you're sitting in front of me. this is kinda long so you might want to wait until you have a few moments.
i'm sharing with you because i think it's important that you know what i'm made of sometimes. not always, keeping you guessing is also a good thang!!! but sometimes, it helps to share stuff that you wouldn't ordinarily say out loud to someone. here goes....
i have found myself sitting and doing nothing….. nothing but thinking about how i shouldn’t be sitting and doing nothing. beating myself up for not going outside, going for a walk, anything but staying inside. feeling that i don’t look good anymore and if i just exercised it would help. it would help my health too. tired of putting myself down (in my head) 80% of my day. tired of feeling depressed about everything when everything isn’t all bad. unemployed by choice since the last job drained me with the political demoralizing bullshit way too long. should have left the job before the damage was done. i don’t mind the domestic life and it does lead to a peaceful mind at times but the other times I am beating myself up for something or other. how does one stop the cycle? it’s been a year now and i can’t get my head back on like before. any suggestions? Before I send this out to the world, here’s some background:
asian/irish raised by a japanese mother and molested by an irish father. two younger brothers, one is emotionally unavailable to the whole family and one in prison dying of liver cancer. Married a million times, mother to a 30 year old female ex-marine. Grandmother to a 5 yr old little charmer. Married 10 years to the most generous man ever created and the happiest I have ever been.
I've done the therapist route several times over again and believe me, they worked.... THEN. and i pretty much have an idea of how all that works. i thought i could perform self-medicated therapy on myself but i keep talking back and countering almost everything i come up with. it's like i can trick the world, family, etc. into thinking i'm so freaking together. and i'm not.
" So I feel guilty about feeling so ? what ?? lost, alone, lazy, awful??? on and on" and then feeling quilty about feeling guilty. that's exactly it. you name it and i can beat myself up about it in a heartbeat. so then my next question is WHAT THE HELL DO i need to do, to stop? I've done the " there's always someone/something/somewhere worse and trust me, and i'm intelligent, i can relate to that and understand that. but that didn't work. and then this damn body of mine. when once i knew i looked great to now when i hate getting dressed. i rarely leave the house. i joke about laundry day and who's stealing all my panties because there's only a handful dirty. well DUH, i didn't wear any. pajamas are my game or yoga pants. and thank goodness, i don't go out .... oh wait... i did go out in yoga pants and no makeup (large sunglasses). lol i remember when i wouldn't leave the house with out makeup <insert> japanese mother top ten list of "you've got to be kidding, put some lipstick on so you don't look dead" <close insert>.
i am fortunate to not have any bad health issues other than i've taken to cooking alot lately = weight gain. Hence, the “get off my arse” trouble.
this whole "get motivated" is killing me. it's not like i'm on the couch eating chips. i keep a clean house now that i'm not working and do all the house chores. so i am moving and i do sweat but i guess that's not enough.
signed, bettysue
August 2011
well, i've changed one thing. i put makeup on and get cleaned up a bit when i put my yoga pants and go out!!!!
0 comments:
Post a Comment