on a sad note

Don has been heavily on my mind lately. probably due to me making mental plans to pack, what not to forget, timing, driving instructions, what i'll need to cook when i'm at Kasey's and mentally going through my closet deciding what-not-to-wear!

it will be four months on Monday.  120 days.  feels like forever since i've hugged him.  feels like years since i heard his voice on the phone.  i can tell you that every day, there is a moment that i get a pain in my chest because i realize he's gone.  i'm still dealing with the fact that he's gone.

i can't stop thinking of things i need to do for him.  as if i'm getting ready to visit him and i don't want to forget anything.  what clothes i CAN wear to a prison, mental reminders of things i need to update him on and as always, gathering mental thoughts and sorting them to remember funny stories or family updates to tell him about.  filling my head with recent memories and happenings.  remembering what mom has been up to lately and funny things she's said or done.

i will always remember him calling me ugly with the biggest grin on his face.  and remembering the origin of this silly name calling.  many many years ago, he hollered across the room, "Hey Ugly" and i turned around and said "What?".  he laughed and said, "Why did you answer?"  my brother thought i was beautiful no matter how much i weighed, how funny my hair was.  he thought i was strong and bright and clever.  he always did no matter what.

and as i sit here with tears running down my face, happy that Pookie hasn't tried to clean my face, i wonder if he can feel me.  he doesn't have to see me but i want to believe he can feel my heart and what it's feeling right now.  i hope that anyone that i have lost or will lose, will be able to feel me.  

so now.... from past experience, i know what my next move will be right.  i will clean.  it's what i do when i don't want to think about "stuff".  and yes, i got that from my mom.  so in a few hours, things will be tidied up as if we have company coming over and then i'll attempt to finish some crafting shit and then this moment will pass.

today, i let myself indulge in mourning for more than a few minutes.  today, i needed to feel closer to him.

to all of you receiving my "little blog of everything", thank you for being in my life.


thank you for giving me this place to put down on paper, what i'd want to share with you if i got to see you more often.  thank you for loving me.  thank you with all my heart.