Blog jan21 Friday night morro bay
You start to forget words: they’re on the tip of your tongue, but instead of eventually dislodging, they stay there. You head somewhere to fetch something, and by the time you get there you can’t remember what it was you were after.
It’s not so much that I’ve forgotten. It’s more like I’ve stopped keeping track.
It’s not so much that I’ve forgotten. It’s more like I’ve stopped keeping track.
A little anxious about tomorrow. I’m sure Don is dealing with the same emotions tonight. Can’t wait to hug him. Sometimes that’s all I think about.
Tried to explain “out-loud” to Amy within ear-shot of Jme, about how my mind has been working lately. Tried is the operative word here. So, I will try again.
It’s like every train of thought I have for every thing that happens during my waking hours ends up being a negative. No matter, anything, everything and then some. I thought that after all my years of therapy that I could self medicate a therapy session but it’s just not working. So my “smart” mind knows all the answers and all the buttons to use but it just ends up at nothing. Just more negative shit.
Amy asked if my blogging and SSOW blog has helped any and I have to say it hasn’t. My blogging always feel good but I worry that Kasey will critique it. Critique, over simplify or dismiss. It feels like she has been doing a lot of that the last couple years. Could it have anything to do with my being semi-retired? What could have happened to start this? I know that a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned to her that I didn’t feel like she needed me “as a mom” anymore. That somehow the relationship took a shift in it’s dynamics. I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings but it’s how I feel. Nothing happened that I can think of that made me come to that realization. It just popped into my head and felt very real and strong and sad.
A lot that my mind goes through with itself is negative and sad. How does one stop the negativity that your mind keeps going over and over and over again?
Self medicated therapy.
What a concept!
It’s eleven o’late friday night and my alarm is set for 5 o’early, so I’m going to try and sleep now. I’ll try reading tonight.
Strange hotel room, low muffling noises. You’d think we would be used to it by now.
Nitey nite and sweetest dreams….
Blog jan 22 2010 Saturday Morro Bay
Wake up calls at 5am don’t exactly work for me! I’m not a morning person….for sure.
Long story summary:
1) arrived at prison around 7am, many others arrived there that early too
2) ticket numbers 31 and 32
3) Once making it through security (and after setting off the alarm three times), we got into the waiting rooms
4) All hell broke loose after that, we heard many rumors of why things where taking so long. New family arrivals stopped and no inmates were brought in. Some kind of incident in yard A (Don’s in yard C) - fight, death, seizure ….
5) Finally they came out (now there’s only about 10 of us in our waiting area; everyone else hadn’t even made it through security) and let us know that yard A was locked down and it could be a couple hours.
I had a bad feeling earlier in the morning but that’s not unusal for me sometimes. Don finally came out at 1230pm much to my relief. He was fine but another inmate was not. He was playing handball, fell, cracked his skull, blood and then died. When something like that happens, the whole prison stops everything. Lock down yard A, all visitors stopped wherever they are and then lock down yard B and C too.
Kinda scary but I was more worried about losing time with Don.
I strongly feel that prisons should be run by a private company, it would be more humane, more profitable and time efficient.
This trip is going to go down in history for the most cluster fuck actions by the corrections department ON SO MANY LEVELS!!!!
Jamie got a headhurt and went to bed without dinner, poor sweetie! But I got a tri-tip sandwich and frenchy fries!!
Another visit with Don today and at least it wasn’t as long drawn out as yesterday.
Visiting Visiting Sergent Van Beek was a complete asshole. I will point out the reasons below but he’s a dickhead.
The second day that I visit Don is always a lot more relaxed. I don’t have the anxious, butterflies in the back of my throat reminding me that soon I will lay eyes on him. What will he look like, what will his eyes tell me.
Getting up at 530am can sure make sleep difficult even when you can’t sleep.
Sunset pictures and another photographer had better and bigger toys than I did.
Dinner at Bayside Café at the Marina
Salmon fish tacos
Another bath!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yea Me!!!!
All the things i need to remember to ask Social Worker
Call social worker and ask about:
1) we need a medical order from doctor per Dr. Bratton MD, psycologist to be moved down to first floor; difficulty to walk up stairs and because of the Lactulose, a laxative medication to rid his body of water and ammonia, he has to sit on the toilet for an extended amount of time within inches of his cellys bed.
I understand that these kinds of “exceptions” are being made for others with medical situations. His health is not good and is very happy with all the doctor’s efforts to ease his discomforts.
Also ask social worker if he can get copies of the documents that Don has in his files that he signed while in the hospital. Some of which he is not sure what they were. Especially ones that involve me.
2) Send Linda from the waiting room an email asking for the number of the Medical Receiver in Sacramento
If no word from social worker, then contact the Medical Receiver
2 comments:
As a daughter about Kasey's age I can tell you we go through phases. There are times when I think I know it all, but the truth is I only know a little and when I stumble due to my inflated ego it is my mom I turn to first to make it better. We always need our moms, even if we don't always act like it. I guess it is the comfort in knowing that you have always been there that allows us to justify taking you for granted. While it feels she has drifted or the relationship has shifted, I promise she still needs you in your role as mom.
You are such a strong and beautiful woman. Somehow the problems of your friends and family fall to you, perhaps it is because you handle them for us. We call or write, needing your help and you graciously advise us. What we forget is that you need us to listen too. You take on all of our problems and do your best to solve them. I am sorry for not being a better listener. I realize that you have worries and struggles too. Please continue to talk to me, to Jamie, to Kasey...we are all here for you. We want to help ease the burden. You are the strongest woman I know, but to stay that way you need to share your thoughts. Call me anytime, I am here for you.
For once, even if only for a moment, I beg you to put yourself first. Take a deep breath and look inside yourself. What is it you need? We are all here to help you achieve that.
Lots and lots of love to you. Take a rest, hold my hand, we will walk together as you are not alone.
perfect words for exactly how things feel. i thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving it words for me. i promise to look inside myself and try to stop the mouse wheel that spins like a crazy..... wheel of fortune. lol through tears i thank you for being in my life. two smart, interesting, cute-as-hell, witty, kind young women are in my life and i continually learn and admire everything about them. Do all mother's want to be like their daughters? Also, know that if I need an ear I will call upon you. You are a very good listener; maybe I didn't holler loud enough for you guys to hear. i'll yell REALLY LOUD from now on. Love you much Amy, so much.
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