another great idea

plain cookie sheets, spray painted in any color you want and presto, it's a magnetic board

random wants

if i ever have to redo a bathroom in a house, this simple, straight forward bathroom will be my first pick.  wood slated floors over concrete with a drainage hole somewhere.  you bathe, soap up and rinse off outside the soaking tub.  

and if money is no object, it will look a little like this one:

and more like this one:

post from early 2011

i wrote this on a blog called SSOW.  Secret Society of Woman.  I know it was before Don died in April so i'm guessing it's from March or earlier.  i've answered some of the questions i had but isn't it amazing how the mind works when you open it and let it spill on pages.  i wish i could write better.  not sure what better is so i write as if you're sitting in front of me.  this is kinda long so you might want to wait until you have a few moments.

i'm sharing with you because i think it's important that you know what i'm made of sometimes.  not always, keeping you guessing is also a good thang!!!  but sometimes, it helps to share stuff that you wouldn't ordinarily say out loud to someone.  here goes....

i have found myself sitting and doing nothing….. nothing but thinking about how i shouldn’t be sitting and doing nothing. beating myself up for not going outside, going for a walk, anything but staying inside. feeling that i don’t look good anymore and if i just exercised it would help. it would help my health too. tired of putting myself down (in my head) 80% of my day. tired of feeling depressed about everything when everything isn’t all bad.  unemployed by choice since the last job drained me with the political demoralizing bullshit way too long.   should have left the job before the damage was done. i don’t mind the domestic life and it does lead to a peaceful mind at times but the other times I am beating myself up for something or other. how does one stop the cycle? it’s been a year now and i can’t get my head back on like before. any suggestions? Before I send this out to the world, here’s some background:

asian/irish raised by a japanese mother and molested by an irish father. two younger brothers, one is emotionally unavailable to the whole family and one in prison dying of liver cancer. Married a million times, mother to a 30 year old female ex-marine. Grandmother to a 5 yr old little charmer.  Married 10 years to the most generous man ever created and the happiest I have ever been.

I've done the therapist route several times over again and believe me, they worked.... THEN.  and i pretty much have an idea of how all that works.  i thought i could perform self-medicated therapy on myself but i keep talking back and countering almost everything i come up with.  it's like i can trick the world, family, etc. into thinking i'm so freaking together.  and i'm not. 

" So I feel guilty about feeling so ? what ?? lost, alone, lazy, awful??? on and on" and then feeling quilty about feeling guilty.    that's exactly it.  you name it and i can beat myself up about it in a heartbeat.  so then my next question is WHAT THE HELL DO i need to do, to stop?  I've done the " there's always someone/something/somewhere worse and trust me, and i'm intelligent, i can relate to that and understand that.  but that didn't work.  and then this damn body of mine.  when once i knew i looked great to now when i hate getting dressed.  i rarely leave the house.  i joke about laundry day and who's stealing all my panties because there's only a handful dirty.  well DUH, i didn't wear any.  pajamas are my game or yoga pants.  and thank goodness, i don't go out .... oh wait... i did go out in yoga pants and no makeup (large sunglasses).  lol  i remember when i wouldn't leave the house with out makeup <insert>  japanese mother top ten list of "you've got to be kidding, put some lipstick on so you don't look dead" <close insert>. 

i am fortunate to not have any bad health issues other than i've taken to cooking alot lately = weight gain.  Hence, the “get off my arse” trouble.

this whole "get motivated" is killing me.  it's not like i'm on the couch eating chips.  i keep a clean house now that i'm not working and do all the house chores.  so i am moving and i do sweat but i guess that's not enough.

signed, bettysue

August 2011

well, i've changed one thing.  i put makeup on and get cleaned up a bit when i put my yoga pants and go out!!!!

first ALONE outing

okay, it's a great day!

pookie and i went to michael's today.

ALONE.  IN THE CAR.  IN THE STORE TOO.

it's a great day!

he sat in the passenger seat and not once, did i have to "bark" orders to him.

and in the store, he sat in his carrier in the front of a cart, with his head sticking out, sniffing everything and everyone that came near.

he cried once because i think i was too far down the isle from him but he could still see me.

so, i bought stuff to craft all kinds of "shit."

and here's what i'm makin'

and this find, i just couldn't resist.  i just had to share!!!

for Kathleen

Kathleen, i found this picture for you

and this

http://www.lollipopmoon.com/onepokidprin.html

reprint

my daughter writes to release; her way of purging and this is a reprint of a tumblr post:

a huge social experiment

I was standing at an archaic coffee vending machine, watching my reflection. I see myself in the reflection from the glossy front paneling of the machine. I’m wearing a high collared, buttoned down shirt, yoga pants and running shoes. And I am crying. I’m not crying because I just spent five minutes waiting in line for crappy coffee. No, the waiting didn’t make me cry.

I realize as I’m looking at my horrible looking crying face that I’m in a huge ongoing, never-ending, and under-funded social experiment.

Families and visitors being subjected to an invasive security screening procedure, sometimes being stripped of their basic human rights of pure dignity.

I was standing in front of the crappy coffee machine because my uncle requested a cup of coffee; I’ll pay the $2.00 for a cup of crappy coffee.

Every family is different and my family is definitely a product of circumstances, poor luck, and poor decision-making. My mother managed to isolate me and raise me as a single mother and used our circumstances (or consequences) of being a member of my family, to raise me to be stronger, more capable, and more accountable than if raised by a normal functioning family. My mother also raised me with love. My uncle, uncle FUD (favorite Uncle <insert D name here>) was part of my life structure, emotional support that kept me and my mother from going completely insane, wallowing in depression, self-pity and making us even more accountable to our life. Father figures were in my life, my biological father and I are still forging a shaky relationship, but FUD was the rock.

Uncle FUD deserved to be in prison based on the principles of “right and wrong” and the American court systems. Uncle FUD made some very poor decisions that changed the course of his future forever. Uncle FUD didn’t deserve to be in prison for 35+ years. The list of convictions that were placed to Uncle FUD’s name was extensive and inaccurate. The largest crime was his lack of defense attorney. Uncle FUD fell under the wonderful California law – 3 Strikes You’re Out. In the basic human nature way of defending me and what is mine, Uncle FUD did not kill anyone, harm anyone, rape or molest anyone. Uncle FUD made some very bad choices after declining and losing a long-time battle with drug and alcohol addiction.

My uncle died while incarcerated in an overcrowded and poorly maintained and managed prison system.

My uncle FUD died of liver disease, it’s complications, and the definite signs of undetected cancer mixed in for morbid good fun. The medical treatments and medications received while Uncle FUD was in prison was extensive (but always incomplete) and the list of complications resulting from his several medical issues was even longer.

So, I was visiting him for the last time, getting horrible coffee and realizing I’m experiencing a complicated social experiment. To most of the family members that make these weekly visits, these visits become ritual. It’s a ritual that keeps their families connected and provides them the hope to get them through to the next week. It’s a small blessing to be able to visit a family member incarcerated, undoubtedly a major inconvenience, but easily a weekly requirement.

To get in to visit in a California State Prison is comparable, if not more intrusive, than the procedures for getting thru any commercial airline boarding process. The only difference, when visiting a prison you don’t get a free beverage, a warm blanket, and the capability to move around within the space you have been assigned to exercise your basic human rights.

The last cup of crappy coffee became my most memorable cup of coffee. It was last one I would every buy for Uncle FUD. On this visit he had aged thirty years in two weeks. Uncle FUD has become immobile, but fortunately due to the friends he had acquired while incarcerated, he always had someone to push him around in his archaic, but smoothly functioning wheelchair. The friends and individuals that my Uncle FUD met while in prison were people my Uncle FUD cared about. There are movies, television shows, and books about prison, but they don’t tell you that the individuals incarcerated still yearn for relationships, friendly contact and conversation. There are jokes, but then there is reality. While we were sitting at our kindergarten style table (keeps all laps and hands above the table and in full view), several inmates who had families visiting or who worked the weekends cleaning the visitors area, came to Uncle FUD said how nice it was to see him out of the prison hospital able to see visitors. Shook his hand and told him they were watching his belongings and were waiting for him to get back to the “general public.” My Uncle FUD had made good connections, surviving the best he could for the 10+ years he had been in prison.

It was good visit, but a short visit. My Uncle FUD was more ill than we planned (or even imagined) and even though we all wanted the visit to be longer, the visit was wiping Uncle FUD of any energy he had saved up to make this visit. We cleaned up our small table, threw away the crappy coffee Uncle FUD was only able to drink a bit of, and said a long teary goodbye. As I hugged him for over five minutes, I could feel his bones protruding from his body and I think I knew at that moment the reality of his pending death. We left the prison grounds, went to the hotel, I packed my bag and flew home.

I received a call from my mom four days later that Uncle FUD died. He stopped all medications, medications that were keeping him alive in is rapidly aging and dying body. Uncle FUD made a choice and slowly died.

What do you do when a family member dies in prison? My mother coordinated the signing of paperwork. My mother coordinated the paperwork giving permission to cremate his remains. My mother provided an address to send the belongings of Uncle FUD to her care. My mother received assurances he died peacefully, in no pain, and “he’s in a better place.” Anything is better than being incarcerated in the California State Prison system, so yes, I agree. As I reflect, I have found I selfishly reflected that I would never, ever see Uncle FUD again. 

This wasn’t my first death. This wasn’t the first death of a close family member. Part of my job at the time was dealing with death and it’s bodily remains. This was the death of Uncle FUD’s possibility of parole, relocating once released, and starting over. This has been the death of relationship I always had assumed would be restarted after Uncle FUD and I got our lives straight. This was loss of one of my fathers.

This death happened while a million other incarcerated men and women and their families undergo the same social experiment on a much grander scale everyday in the United States and the World.

Such a strange experience I had from a very one-sided point of view. A sad and very strange experience that the million of other incarcerated men and women’s families experience weekly and an experience they have incorporated in to their daily and weekly and yearly lives.

I’m completely unsure where I stand on several issues. Lack of rehabilitation (mental and physical) within the prison system, the death penalty, the American justice system, and the funding of prison systems; these are a few of the topics I’m heavily rethinking.

I know there are other issues in the world other than prison reform, but everyday I’m amazed at the treatment human beings are receiving in the prison systems, federal and state, around the United States. I wonder how people could treat human beings in such a degrading and pointless manner that installs more hate in the incarcerated individual, provides absolutely no rehabilitation that would change criminal behavior, and also deprives a human being of their sense of dignity. Some crimes committed are truly horrible, but as stated, I’m rethinking the gray area of this issue. There is a definite lack of black and white.

cactus flowers

both of my new cacti's, is that how you spell it?

anyway, both have yellow flowers and the third has flower stem but no flower yet.  we shall see

and here's my booboo, Pankie!

new finds on pinterest.com

my dream tub

A perfect headpiece for babygirl Ava

i need to figure out how to make these!!  would make great gifts!

isn't this a cute baby annoucement?

Christian Louboutin is an angel from heaven!!!

cookies in a CD sleeve

I would love to get this snuggie for Kasey but it's $75.00!  What?  Seventy-five dollars for a snuggie?  now that's ridiculous (but it is cute)!!!

Another baby announcement that i thought was really cute!

enough for tonight

but i do want to add that i'm happy to know that i get to share a few minutes with you every day.  i hope that i make you smile or giggle or wonder

i love and miss you all!!!!!

nigh-nite

evening update

half the floors done 

i pooped out

but i did make Pookie's Peanut Butter Popper treats, 

and both him & Jamie are happy!

why you ask?

Jamie eats them too.

they share

lol

web shopping

i went window shopping this morning after the dusting got done....... i found a really cool retro site and here's a sample of things i found:

 

birdie measuring cups; aren't they cute?

 

salad tossers!!!

 

this is just too cute in red and white!

i love the cut of this dress

and these are kitchen tea towels

and i'm dying for a large ring like this in any color!!!

click here to go to modcloth

now i'm headed off to clean pookie hairzzzzzzzzzz off the floors

Ocean Beach Farmer's Market

i thought the ocean air would clear my head alittle but it was so warm and sooooo crowded but worth it

it was gorgeous at the beach but as expected it was CROWDED.  As i've gotten older, I just don't like all the crowds and it wasn't much fun trying to steer a puppy through the crowd either.

looks like they're taking a pee stop but Pookie aka BooBoo doesn't pee outside.  Okay, he's peed once outside that i've seen and i think it was more like him marking his territory rather than actually having to pee.

they always have beautiful flowers at farmer's markets.  i didn't buy any today.  it's too warm and i didn't want to see them die.  next time, mebbe!

and that was my exciting outing for the day!!!!!

alrighty then

feeling much better today!

why you ask?

let me list the possible reasons for my gleefulness:

toes waiting for some love

vampire toes!!

red nails with a crackle polish !!

isn't it cool  !!!

and nails done

and Jamie had my bling cleaned!

and got a pep text talk from Kasey this morning.  really early this morning but that's okay.  didn't realize i needed to hear her heart so much.  Toyoji starts kindergarten next month and she wants me to be there!    Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, and yes it made me cry!

hi there

no blog due to head hurt

new fav web store

hair-hardware.com

and they have bobby pins with glue pads and feathers and buttons and and and