We are home and once the car was unloaded, I opened the box and found a plastic bag packed with white ashes. I don't know what I expected. I guess I didn't think about it. Kasey warned that there may be bone fragments. My legs went weak, my heart skipped several beats and I couldn't catch my breath. All I could was bury my face in Jamie's chest and cry. When will I stop crying? When will it not hurt so much? Why don't I feel better knowing he's not in pain? Am I being selfish?

Ashes are with me now. Small box but very heavy. I'm so happy Gene was with me. I needed his hugs. I don't fell at peace yet but I don't think I ever will. Now I feel an emptiness and wish I could have done more. We are leaving soon and headed to Ventura.

Don again

I totally understand that family and friends are now feeling remorse and guilt for not keeping in touch with Don regardless of where he was.  I do understand.  What I don't understand is why this woman (Bianca, who is Don's younger son's mother's sister) is sooooooooooo concerned about how he died and how I was notified and what is going to happen to his ashes.  I've been going back and forth with her on fb messages and today I've had it.  The last conversation I had with Don about her was him saying that she only comes up as an excuse to fuck her boyfriend (she's married) and when she comes, she only talks about herself and her problems.  That's what he told me.  Am I supposed to believe that he felt different since now she's all of a sudden become one of his closest friends?  It doesn't make sense.


On another note, my brother Gene may meet us in Morro Bay.  He feels bad that he's coming now, after the fact but I think he needs to deal with it by coming with me and I can handle that.  I will not close the door on him.  He will get another chance with me and with Mom.  I hope I don't regret it.

Don

we're going to Morro Bay on Sunday.  might be our last trip.

we will be going to the mortuary on Monday to collect his remains and the prison will be mailing me all his personal effects.

not sure how i feel about this right now.

he wanted his ashes to be scattered in the mountains but for now he's staying with me for a little while.  whether he likes it or not.  then i will decide.


i would love to take him to the smokey mountains.  he would love how green everything is.

pardon my dust

playing with blog templates and learning....

geek in training

use before tossing

20 Things You Can Use Twice Before Tossing

Here’s a previously published list of ideas that has collected lots of tips from readers over time, did we miss any? Please add yours!

1. Dry Cleaning Bags: Use to pack suits, dresses and fine clothing when traveling, this will help protect it from wrinkleswhen packing. When storing the bags make sure to keep them safely out of reach of children, they really are that dangerous.
2. Butter Wrappers: Once you’ve removed a block of butter from its wrapping, place the wrapping in a plastic container or bag and refrigerate. Use it to grease baking pans.
3. Business Cards: Use the other side to label storage boxes and tubs and tape to the outside of the lid or side so you can see at a glance what the container is holding.
4. Used Envelopes: These make excellent lists for groceries, To Do lists, bookmarks and labels.
5. Cardboard Egg Cartons: You can use these to make homemade firestarters.
6. Tissue Boxes: Once they’re empty you can use these as a plastic bag dispenser, just fill with grocery bags and you’ll be able to neatly pull out one at a time.
7. Plastic Grocery Bags: Use as garbage pail liners, paint tray covers, packing material.
8. Plastic Bread Clips: Save a few of the square plastic clips that keep bread bags closed to use as tiny scrapers. They come in handy to remove labels, price tags, and even do a good job scratching lottery tickets.
9. Newspaper: Line kitty litter boxes for easy cleanup (top with kitty litter), protect work surfaces from crafts & interior paint jobs, giftwrap, use as packing material when moving or shipping.
10. Plastic Strawberry Baskets: Use as a homemade bubble machine, hold small packets in the pantry.
11. Cleaner Spray Bottles: Clean thoroughly and use to hold your homemade cleaners, use to spray plants…very important to clean thoroughly first.
12. Mesh From Veggie Bags: If you buy veggies that are bagged in nylon mesh, you can use that mesh for various cleaning jobs around the house and yard. Just wad up the bag and use it as a scrubber.
13. Styrofoam Food Trays: Clean thoroughly, wrap in foil then use as trays for giving gifts of baking.
14. Pantyhose: Use in the garden to tie plants to stakes, make shower spa bags plus there are 20 ideas found here.
15. Paper Towel Cardboard Rolls: Use to wrap extension cords, Christmas lights (keep untangled).
16. Citrus Peels: Use to make your own homemade citrus cleaners, candy peels to use in baking or freeze the peels to use for zest in recipes as needed, Save your peels from citrus fruits like lemons and oranges. You can toss them in the fire place when you have a fire going to give the room a nice, fresh smell.
17. Packing Foam Peanuts: Save them and reuse when packing breakables, storing Christmas decorations or sending gifts in the mail
18. Brown Paper Bags: Once used, twist into small rolls and use as fire starters.
19. Laundry Bottle Caps & Scoops: Wash thoroughly and use as sandbox, pool, bathtub toys or pet food scoopers (for dried food).
20. Cereal Liner Bags: Clean and use for stacking meat patties before freezing, store breadcrusts, cover food in the microwave.

you have to check these out

Kandee sent this link out today and when i can buy a new pair of shoes, i may just have to go a little wild - 

link is below pictures

reminds me of strawberry shortcake

my new fav color

basic black with a kick...

 rock n' roll

irregularchoice - shoes, purses, accessories and clothes

Doily Cookies by Bliss

you can't tell me these don't look incredibly cute!

i must try these, click here

I just realized that the shortness of breathe i've experienced since I left Don, was me trying to breath for him. Because I just noticed today, that it's gone.

onward

I think Don will be with me like he has been since he was incarcerated. When the sun warms my face. When the wind blows my hair. When the puppy licks my face.

DON December 1, 1959 - April 8, 2011

He passed away this morning and i can't remember crying so much.  i already miss him terribly.  per his doctor and his social worker, he went peacefully.  he told them he was happy he got to see his niece and that Jme and I were able to see him often these last couple of months.  he knew it was getting close and asked to stop all  medications and only continue morphine for the pain.  this morning his blood pressure was very low and he just took a nap and didn't wake up,

i keep hearing him calling me..... "Hey Ugly!" and then when i would turn around, he would say.... "why did you look or answer?"

Alan has advised the mortuary and the prison, to release his remains and personal effects to me.  We are going to have the state pay for the cremation.  the mortuary wants $1300 and i know that would piss Don off, if i spent that much money.

We'll go up in a couple weeks and get him and I will bring him home.

miscellaneous photos

the back of my head looks good in black and white

kasey's grey hair at 31 years young

he's just too precious when he's sleeping

and he likes watching tv!!!

and finally, Toyoji making his move to Winston-Salem, North Carolina !!!!

cleaning

we spent most of the day waiting for the water to be turned back on and then we cleaned.  Jamie was a trooper and tomorrow he's doing all the mirrors and the bathroom for me.  Oh my man, i love him so.

Gary's coming to dinner tomorrow night and i am happy.  i was hoping that Daliah could join us but i'm sure her schedule is busy since she starts her new job on Monday.  i will miss her.

Pookie had his third bath tonight and he was better but not great.  He gets alittle "spaz" after a bath and gets so wound up.

did i post the pictures of his first visit to the ocean?  i can't remember if i did or not.  hold on, i'll go look...

......

......

nope, i didn't, so here's some photos:

seaweed? really?

can the old man keep up with the pup?

this sand on my nose is getting uncomfortable...

LOL

a dog's gotta dig

and then there's my sunny spot he found in the bedroom window.....

what a life!

fruit tips

freezing strawberries is a good thang so click here!

Don update

i have decided not to "update" on Don anymore.

he's dying

nuff said

i don't want to document it anymore

i want both of us to move on

Pookie Update

pookie's first visit to the beach

it was so much fun except the eating of sand

i think there will not be very many pictures of moi !!!!

roadtrip to Ventura/Morro Bay

we leave in the morning and will stop and have lunch with Amykins in Ventura.  I can't wait to see her and introduce Pookie to her,  She did start the wheel turning to end up purchasing my little "anderson pooper."  It's time they met.

Don called tonight and I almost missed his call.  I screamed.  I left my phone in the dining room while i started packing and then i realized i didn't have it near me... looked at the clock and it was 658pm and he was scheduled to call at 7pm.  i screamed.  but he called back, thank goodness.  

he still sounds bad but his speech isn't as slurred.

again, i am anxious and scared.

Don update

well, we're going to Morro Bay this coming weekend.  This is the weekend that Kasey is going to see Don too.  i didn't want to intrude but after the phone call from his doctor, i have to see him soon.

in summary:  his afp or afl or something like that count was 8 last December.  last week it was 1500.  they are sending him to the outside oncologist again.  the doctor said that Don's speech is slurred and his memory is bad from the liver disease.  they removed 25 lbs of fluid not 15 and there's another 25 lbs still in there.  the doctor said that puts Don's weight at around 140 lbs.

the doctor called me monday morning and Don called me monday night.  yes, his speech is slurred and he can't remember things like when he called me last.  he cried the whole time and is worried he won't get to see us.  

i couldn't think of anything else to say to him except that he better hang on or i would kick his ass.

we are headed there friday morning with pookie.  we shall see how that goes.  Kasey and i will see Don on saturday and Jamie and Kasey will go see him on sunday.  i've asked Jamie to only stay for an hour so that Kasey can spend some time alone with him.

i'm anxious

i'm scared

repost of i remember .....

when i was blonde....

oh wait, wrong picture......

when i wanted a beagle named bagel.....

and i got a dachuahua named pookie....

i remember when toyoji got his first fish in 09...

i remember when toyoji hadn't arrived yet and we were always doing "vegas babeeee"

i remember my "double nickel's" birthday and the beginning of a friendship of the heart...

i remember being the hottest milf on Halloween strutting my head nurse persona....

and i think about hugging a lot of the people throughout my day.  I miss people who i thought were friends. i wonder if they are doing well and smiling and enjoying life.

here's to all of you, because you should know that i think about you.

come lotto win, we're getting one of these

click here: petite lap giraffe

if i worked out....

i would wear these.  click here:  red sports wear

Floral Infused Olive Oil: Rich Beauty Aid

Did you know olive oil is a lovely (and natural) skin moisturizer? Here’s a way to make it more special…infuse it with flowers picked fresh from your garden!

Flowers & Olive Oil - Tipnut.com

Floral Infused Olive Oil Recipe

Ingredients:

Glass jar (pint)
Flower petals (1 1/2 cups)
Extra Virgin Olive Oil (1 3/4 cups)
6 Vitamin E Capsules (400 IU)

Directions:

• Fill a clean jar with your choice of fresh flower petals or buds. Pierce the vitamin capsules and squeeze the oil into the jar on top of the petals.
• Heat olive oil over medium heat then pour over petals. Seal and shake jar gently to mix.
• Place the jar in a sunny location and turn it over daily for 2 weeks.
• After 2 weeks, strain the oil to remove all petals then bottle in a sterilized container.

Tips For Use

• Use as a bath oil (2 to 3 TBS) or apply on skin after bathing/showering and use as abody moisturizer.
• Apply to dry patches of skin on hands, elbows, knees, feet.
• Can be used as a facial moisturizer, be careful not to get the infused oil in your eyes.
• Some believe that eczema, rosesca and stretch marks benefit from applications of olive oil, try a regular treatment to see if it helps.

Flower Choices With Reported Skin Healing & Therapeutic Qualities

• Echinacea, Lavender, Marigolds, Rose Petals, Pansies, Calendula
• Herbs can also be used

Note:

• Do not use petals that have been sprayed with chemicals, they’ll transfer to the oil and then be absorbed by your skin.

{Good to Know}
Remember to use the word "tipnut" when searching online to find the good stuff fast!
See Conquer The Net With Tipnut for more options.

baking soda

Beauty & Health Uses For Baking Soda

Did You Know: Baking Soda & Water Can Help Soothe Nausea, Sunburns, Poison Ivy Relief & So Much More

1. Homemade Deodorant: Make a quick and easy powder deodorant with 1 part baking soda, 1 part cornstarch and tea tree oil. Combine ingredients and mix well, store in airtight container. Source:Homemade Deodorant Recipes.
2. Cold Sores Remedy: Treat cold sores by dabbing with baking soda. Source: Cold Sore Tips.
3. Blackhead Remover Recipe: 50/50 Baking Soda & Water. Use gently on your skin as an exfoliator. Source: 11 Easy Food Facials – Homemade Recipes.
4. Homemade Toothpaste Recipes: 1 tsp baking soda mixed with 1/4 tsp hydrogen peroxide. Mix into paste then brush teeth. Source: Homemade Toothpaste, Mouthwash & Teeth Whiteners. Here’s another: Make your own homemade toothpaste with 1/4 cup Vegetable Glycerin + 1/4 cup Baking Soda + 10 to 15 drops of Peppermint Essential Oil (food grade).
5. Nausea Remedy: 1/2 tsp Baking soda in glass of warm water (not for pregnant women because of the high salt content). Source: 12 Home Remedies for Nausea.
6. Sunburn Relief Remedy: Fill a spray bottle with cool water and dissolve 1/4 cup baking soda. Spritz on burned skin for relief. Source: Sunburn Relief Home Remedies – Over 50 Soothing Treatments.
7. Dry Elbows Fix: Mix fresh lemon juice and baking soda to make a thick paste, apply to dry elbows. Gently rub in to exfoliate the skin and leave to sit for about 15 minutes. Wash off and apply a moisturizer or Vaseline. Source: Dry Elbow Home Remedies & Treatments.
8. Poison Ivy Remedy For Itch Relief: Baking soda bath (use lots of baking soda, hot water). Source: Poison Ivy Home Remedy For Itch Relief.
9. Canker Sores: Sprinkle baking soda onto sore or make a paste of baking soda and water then apply. You can also rinse your mouth with a strong baking soda and water solution. Source: Home Remedies For Canker Sores.
10. Wasp & Bee Stings (Mosquito Bites Too): Kill the pain of wasp stings dead by making a thick paste of baking soda and water then apply to sting. Same trick helps with bee stings and mosquito bites (for itch relief). Sources: Wasp Stings: Treatments & Home Remediesand 15 Bee Sting Home Remedies & Tips and Over 40 Mosquito Bite Itch Relief Tips.
11. Wart Home Remedy: Looking for a simple home remedy to get rid of warts? Try White Household Vinegar & Baking Soda: Sprinkle a heavy coat of baking soda on the wart then drizzle vinegar over it. Do this once in the morning and once at night until wart is gone. Source: 50 Wart Home Remedies & Treatments.
12. Soothe Toothaches: Ease toothache pain with Baking Soda: Take a cotton swab and moisten it with a bit of water, dip it in baking soda (coat the swab really well with baking soda) then rub into tooth and gums until pain subsides. You can also make a mouth rinse by mixing a heaping spoonful of baking soda in a small glass of lukewarm to warm water, dissolve the soda then swish the mixture in your mouth around the sore tooth. Source: 25 Toothache Remedies For Pain Relief.
13. Heartburn Relief: Suffering from heartburn? Use baking soda and water to neutralize stomach acid (this remedy should only be used moderately, regular use could dramatically increase your salt intake since baking soda is high in salt). Mix 1/2 tsp to 1 tsp of baking soda per glass of water. Because of the high salt content in baking soda, pregnant women shouldn’t use this remedy. Source: 12 Heartburn Remedies Plus Causes & Prevention Tips.
14. Sore Throat Relief: Relieve a sore throat by mixing 1/2 teaspoon of each baking soda and salt with a 1/2 cup of warm water and gargle a few times each day. Source: 12 Simple Sore Throat Remedies.
15. Tooth Whitener: Brighten your smile with strawberries & baking soda. First mash a fresh strawberry and add about a tsp of baking soda. Spread on toothbrush and rub strawberry mash onto teeth. Leave for a couple minutes then brush teeth clean. Rinse mouth well. Source: 12 Simple Beauty Hacks From The Kitchen.

Note: These are simply home remedies I’ve collected, they’re not professional medical advice.

{Good to Know}
Remember to use the word "tipnut" when searching online to find the good stuff fast!
See Conquer The Net With Tipnut for more options.

i remember

when i was blonde....

oh wait, wrong picture......

when i wanted a beagle named bagel.....

and i got a dachuahua named pookie....

i remember when toyoji got his first fish in 09...

i remember when toyoji hadn't arrived yet and we were always doing "vegas babeeee"

i remember my "double nickel's" birthday and the beginning of a friendship of the heart...

i remember being the hottest milf on Halloween strutting my head nurse persona....

and i think about hugging a lot of the people throughout my day.  I miss people who i thought were friends. i wonder if they are doing well and smiling and enjoying life.

here's to all of you, because you should know that i think about you.