my newest friend

Weasel

I think I walked a mile today and now, I get to go to the dentist.  What kind of fricking reward is that!!!!

I stand corrected.  Jamie yelled that I only walked a quarter of a mile when I said I walked a mile.  And when I told him there was a bum on my bench, he said I shouldn't be sitting down anyway.

sheeeeeeeesh




Baby Ava 

Baby Jaydon

http://pub.vitrue.com/aN0

tuesday and it's my birthday!!!

and my stupid-ass cold has returned

Morro Bay Weekend - Visit Don and time with Amy

Blog jan21 Friday night morro bay

You start to forget words: they’re on the tip of your tongue, but instead of eventually dislodging, they stay there.  You head somewhere to fetch something, and by the time you get there you can’t remember what it was you were after. 


It’s not so much that I’ve forgotten.  It’s more like I’ve stopped keeping track. 

A little anxious about tomorrow.  I’m sure Don is dealing with the same emotions tonight.  Can’t wait to hug him.  Sometimes that’s all I think about.

Tried to explain “out-loud”  to Amy within ear-shot of Jme, about how my mind has been working lately.  Tried is the operative word here.  So, I will try again.

It’s like every train of thought I have for every thing that happens during my waking hours ends up being a negative.  No matter, anything, everything and then some.  I thought that after all my years of therapy that I could self medicate a therapy session but it’s just not working.  So my “smart” mind knows all the answers and all the buttons to use but it just ends up at nothing.  Just more negative shit.

Amy asked if my blogging and SSOW blog has helped any and I have to say it hasn’t.  My blogging always feel good but I worry that Kasey will critique it.  Critique, over simplify or dismiss.  It feels like she has been doing a lot of that the last couple years.  Could it have anything to do with my being semi-retired?  What could have happened to start this?  I know that a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned to her that I didn’t feel like she needed me “as a mom” anymore.  That somehow the relationship took a shift in it’s dynamics.  I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings but it’s how I feel.  Nothing happened that I can think of that made me come to that realization.  It just popped into my head and felt very real and strong and sad.

A lot that my mind goes through with itself is negative and sad.  How does one stop the negativity that your mind keeps going over and over and over again?

Self medicated therapy.

What a concept!

It’s eleven o’late friday night and my alarm is set for 5 o’early, so I’m going to try and sleep now.  I’ll try reading tonight.

Strange hotel room, low muffling noises.  You’d think we would be used to it by now.

Nitey nite and sweetest dreams….

Blog jan 22 2010 Saturday Morro Bay

Wake up calls at 5am don’t exactly work for me!  I’m not a morning person….for sure. 

Long story summary:

1)      arrived at prison around 7am, many others arrived there that early too

2)     ticket numbers 31 and 32

3)     Once making it through security (and after setting off the alarm three times), we got into the waiting rooms

4)    All hell broke loose after that, we heard many rumors of why things where taking so long.  New family arrivals stopped and no inmates were brought in.  Some kind of incident in yard A (Don’s in yard C) -  fight, death, seizure ….

5)     Finally they came out (now there’s only about 10 of us in our waiting area; everyone else hadn’t even made it through security) and let us know that yard A was locked down and it could be a couple hours.

I had a bad feeling earlier in the morning but that’s not unusal for me sometimes.  Don finally came out at 1230pm much to my relief.  He was fine but another inmate was not.  He was playing handball, fell, cracked his skull, blood and then died.  When something like that happens, the whole prison stops everything.  Lock down yard A, all visitors stopped wherever they are and then lock down yard B and C too.

Kinda scary but I was more worried about losing time with Don.

I strongly feel that prisons should be run by a private company, it would be more humane, more profitable and time efficient.

This trip is going to go down in history for the most cluster fuck actions by the corrections department ON SO MANY LEVELS!!!!

Jamie got a headhurt and went to bed without dinner, poor sweetie!  But I got a tri-tip sandwich and frenchy fries!!

 Blog Jan 23 2010 Morro Bay- Sunday

Another visit with Don today and at least it wasn’t as long drawn out as yesterday.

Visiting Visiting Sergent  Van Beek was a complete asshole.  I will point out the reasons below but he’s a dickhead.

The second day that I visit Don is always a lot more relaxed.  I don’t have the anxious, butterflies in the back of my throat reminding me that soon I will lay eyes on him.  What will he look like, what will his eyes tell me.

Getting up at 530am can sure make sleep difficult even when you can’t sleep.

Sunset pictures and another photographer had better and bigger toys than I did. 

Dinner at Bayside Café at the Marina

Salmon fish tacos

Another bath!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yea Me!!!!

All the things i need to remember to ask Social Worker

Call social worker and ask about:

1) we need a medical order from doctor per Dr. Bratton MD, psycologist to be moved down to first floor; difficulty to walk up stairs and because of the Lactulose, a laxative medication to rid his body of water and ammonia, he has to sit on the toilet for an extended amount of time within inches of his cellys bed. 

I understand that these kinds of “exceptions” are being made for others with medical situations.  His health is not good and is very happy with all the doctor’s  efforts to ease his discomforts.

Also ask social worker if he can get copies of the documents that Don has in his files that he signed while in the hospital.  Some of which he is not sure what they were.  Especially ones that involve me.

2) Send Linda from the waiting room an email asking for the number of the Medical Receiver in Sacramento.  He is not affiliated with CDC but works as a watchdog.

If no word from social worker, then contact the Medical Receiver

i need to sleep

but

i'm tooooo excited to sleep.

hello there

so much to catch up with

tomorrow we're driving to ventura

dinner at Sicily's with Amykins

can't wait can't wait

then on to Morro Bay hotel and visiting Don on Sat and Sun

can't wait can't wait

i've been keeping myself busy so as not to think too much about Don.

more about that after i see him

on a lighter note 

i am so enjoying a new website i found a couple months ago

it was created by Lisa Ling and called Secret Society of Woman

http://www.secretsocietyofwomen.com/

SSOW

trust me, just browse around there and you'll find something you'll want to read

New Jamie picture with his new tshirt

in the beginning

http://musumaokasanobachan.blogspot.com/

bummed

setup new gmail account

bettysuelaurin@gmail.com

and i can't get to this blog from there

so i can't completely get rid of pankiesue@gmail.com

but i don't want to do it that way

so now i'm bummed

and i don't know what to do

two funnies of the day

WHY HUSBANDS SHOULD NOT ANSWER !!!!

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would?'

HUSBAND: .......?

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would she wear my shoes'

HUSBAND: 'No, her size is 6.

WIFE: -- silence....... -

HUSBAND: 'Shit'. 

APARTMENT for RENT

THIS IS TOO FUNNY ...

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.  Morning,  before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check f or $250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

New product at Walter Anderson nursery

Picklebutt update:

Kasey and Toyoji had an appointment to get him some shots today.  Four shots in one day for polio, chicken pox hepititas A and MMR (whatever that is).

In Kasey's words:  4 shots today.  Screaming bloody fricking murder = a trip to Toys R Us, a new stuffed LegoMan and 3 JuicyPops.  Because mama had to HOLD him down while some strage woman hurt him... The reaction to having to pee in a cup was just as bad as the reaction/apprehension as getting shots.  What the what?  <sigh>

and here is his reward.

my dollface

sucks

Don called today

he's been back in the yard for two weeks tomorrow and

since he's been back, he's put on some weight but not in the good way

water and ammonia retention

going to walter anderson nursery

want to walk among the plants and flowers

bebackinalittle

12:21pm

really bad head hurt

doesn't take a lot these days to give me a migraine

I did get a couple new bright pink mandeavilla plants

and Jme took me to the flower market and i found the perfect vase and flowers to put near our accent wall in the dining room/entry way.  happy dance

Back to Don

he's put on 20 lbs and it's not from the food

he was told to go back into the hospital but he wants to stay in the yard at least until we get there next weekend

he thinks the air and sun are helping him feel better

if he goes back to the hospital, they don't let them out

and if he has an IV, then we can see him for only an hour at a time

he doesn't want us to send a package since he doesn't know where he'll be

he cried

i know he thinks he's dying again

he's still getting morphine

mom and i both received letters from him dated Dec 22nd and postmarked Jan 14th

He says he probably wrote the wrong date but he says he's been getting confused a lot lately

i see him on saturday morning and told him to hang on until i get there

what that will do for him, i don't know

but it will do me good

i think i will live

i can breathe through my nose again

i'm not coughing up a lung

and i got a full night of sleep last night

now, what were those projects that i remembered i had to do but was too damn tired to do them for the last two weeks?

oh yea,

write in my blog!!!

a friend's daughter posted this on facebook today:

those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself.  They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

i am selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.

i  make mistakes, 

i am out of control and at times hard to handle.

but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my very best.

i'm in tough with this emotion.

cough cough cough

I was born in the South where the family went to church sunday morning and headed for grandma's for a huge meal.  Sunday evening were divided:  Women cleaned, cooked and took care of the kids.  Men drank and met their mistresses for the evening.

When my daughter was ten, she asked me who wrote the bible.  I explained that it was someone's recollection of events a long time ago.  She then asked why there were so many religions.  And when I explained to her that everyone's interpretations were different, I knew that I was an non-believer and that she would follow this path as well.  Twenty years later, it is what it is.  We are caring women, trusting by nature, kind to small children, elders and animals.  And tonight, after reading everyone's posts on Secret Society of Woman, also known as SSOW, I feel somewhat calmer about it all.  I have never had someone point-blank ask me if "I have been saved".  Fair warning, if you do ask me, I will start by laughing.  I used to get real pissy when someone said that they would pray for me but then I realized that it's really someone wanting to have good thoughts about me and wanting to ease my fears or sickness, or my brother's or my mother's or whatever it was that needed praying.  

i told my daughter I didn't feel like a mother anymore

that she's an adult and doesn't need me anymore

do i hear a pity party?

i think i know where it came from

i have regrets

i don't remember so much about her when she was little

i guess because i see all my nieces and nephews babies and i don't remember "enjoying" her like they are enjoying their children

i have regrets

not that i made her marry so many men with me

i regret that i don't remember

is it because i'm old and i don't remember

or is it because there were no memories made

sad face

If tomorrow starts without me,

And I’m not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry

The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things,

We didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me,

As much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me,

I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name,

And took me by the hand,

But as I turned to walk away,

A tear fell from my eye,

For all my life, I’d always thought,

I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for,

So much left yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible,

That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,

The good ones and the bad,

I thought of all that we shared,

And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,

Just even for a while,

I’d say good-bye and kiss you

And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,

That this could never be,

For emptiness and memories,

Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,

I might miss some tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did,

My heart was filled with sorrow.

I promise no tomorrow,

But today will always last,

And since each day is the same way,

There’s no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,

Don’t think we’re far apart,

For every time you think of me,

I’m right here, in your heart “

I'm in trouble now

Kasey knows about my blog

Asked her not to edit

but would like her comments

Did I open a can of worms?

Okay, now I'm sick.

Now just the stuffy head and tinkling nose and headache and chills and blah blah blah

My sweetness has been feeling ill for three days now and it throws our abode into a twirl.  Hard to stay shut in with a sickie in such a small space.  I hope he feels better cuz he's never gets sick.  I can't do anything but keep the place dark and don't make noise and feed him.  Stuffy, snotty nose and hates the light.  


Scrambled eggs with bell peppers, onion and cheese and tomatoes.  Biscuits with blueberry jam.  Homemade chicken soup with biscuits.  He's well fed for a sick boy.


Also made cole slaw for the angus sliders tomorrow.  How creative can I be with just what's in the house?


It's been pouring and windy since late afternoon and supposed to go through morning.  I sure hope he starts feeling better soon.  Poor thang. 

My patio view