sucks

Don called today

he's been back in the yard for two weeks tomorrow and

since he's been back, he's put on some weight but not in the good way

water and ammonia retention

going to walter anderson nursery

want to walk among the plants and flowers

bebackinalittle

12:21pm

really bad head hurt

doesn't take a lot these days to give me a migraine

I did get a couple new bright pink mandeavilla plants

and Jme took me to the flower market and i found the perfect vase and flowers to put near our accent wall in the dining room/entry way.  happy dance

Back to Don

he's put on 20 lbs and it's not from the food

he was told to go back into the hospital but he wants to stay in the yard at least until we get there next weekend

he thinks the air and sun are helping him feel better

if he goes back to the hospital, they don't let them out

and if he has an IV, then we can see him for only an hour at a time

he doesn't want us to send a package since he doesn't know where he'll be

he cried

i know he thinks he's dying again

he's still getting morphine

mom and i both received letters from him dated Dec 22nd and postmarked Jan 14th

He says he probably wrote the wrong date but he says he's been getting confused a lot lately

i see him on saturday morning and told him to hang on until i get there

what that will do for him, i don't know

but it will do me good

i think i will live

i can breathe through my nose again

i'm not coughing up a lung

and i got a full night of sleep last night

now, what were those projects that i remembered i had to do but was too damn tired to do them for the last two weeks?

oh yea,

write in my blog!!!

a friend's daughter posted this on facebook today:

those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself.  They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

i am selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.

i  make mistakes, 

i am out of control and at times hard to handle.

but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my very best.

i'm in tough with this emotion.

cough cough cough

I was born in the South where the family went to church sunday morning and headed for grandma's for a huge meal.  Sunday evening were divided:  Women cleaned, cooked and took care of the kids.  Men drank and met their mistresses for the evening.

When my daughter was ten, she asked me who wrote the bible.  I explained that it was someone's recollection of events a long time ago.  She then asked why there were so many religions.  And when I explained to her that everyone's interpretations were different, I knew that I was an non-believer and that she would follow this path as well.  Twenty years later, it is what it is.  We are caring women, trusting by nature, kind to small children, elders and animals.  And tonight, after reading everyone's posts on Secret Society of Woman, also known as SSOW, I feel somewhat calmer about it all.  I have never had someone point-blank ask me if "I have been saved".  Fair warning, if you do ask me, I will start by laughing.  I used to get real pissy when someone said that they would pray for me but then I realized that it's really someone wanting to have good thoughts about me and wanting to ease my fears or sickness, or my brother's or my mother's or whatever it was that needed praying.  

i told my daughter I didn't feel like a mother anymore

that she's an adult and doesn't need me anymore

do i hear a pity party?

i think i know where it came from

i have regrets

i don't remember so much about her when she was little

i guess because i see all my nieces and nephews babies and i don't remember "enjoying" her like they are enjoying their children

i have regrets

not that i made her marry so many men with me

i regret that i don't remember

is it because i'm old and i don't remember

or is it because there were no memories made

sad face

If tomorrow starts without me,

And I’m not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry

The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things,

We didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me,

As much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me,

I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name,

And took me by the hand,

But as I turned to walk away,

A tear fell from my eye,

For all my life, I’d always thought,

I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for,

So much left yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible,

That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,

The good ones and the bad,

I thought of all that we shared,

And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,

Just even for a while,

I’d say good-bye and kiss you

And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,

That this could never be,

For emptiness and memories,

Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,

I might miss some tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did,

My heart was filled with sorrow.

I promise no tomorrow,

But today will always last,

And since each day is the same way,

There’s no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,

Don’t think we’re far apart,

For every time you think of me,

I’m right here, in your heart “

I'm in trouble now

Kasey knows about my blog

Asked her not to edit

but would like her comments

Did I open a can of worms?

Okay, now I'm sick.

Now just the stuffy head and tinkling nose and headache and chills and blah blah blah

My sweetness has been feeling ill for three days now and it throws our abode into a twirl.  Hard to stay shut in with a sickie in such a small space.  I hope he feels better cuz he's never gets sick.  I can't do anything but keep the place dark and don't make noise and feed him.  Stuffy, snotty nose and hates the light.  


Scrambled eggs with bell peppers, onion and cheese and tomatoes.  Biscuits with blueberry jam.  Homemade chicken soup with biscuits.  He's well fed for a sick boy.


Also made cole slaw for the angus sliders tomorrow.  How creative can I be with just what's in the house?


It's been pouring and windy since late afternoon and supposed to go through morning.  I sure hope he starts feeling better soon.  Poor thang. 

My patio view

iPhone Photo Dump 

 my little rockstar!

Christmas Eve

New Year's Eve Dinner at Onami's

Chocolate suicide dessert

2010 Christmas Tree

last day of the year

the day we wonder what the future will bring

the day we decide to change our ways

the day we consider what ways CAN be changed

the day we predict what we hope will get done

the day there's so much pressure on what you're doing for New Year's Eve

i'm coloring my roots and we're going to Onami's for dinner and then the grocery store

wahoo hold me back.

Top 10 Diet and Nutrition Resolutions

http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/top-10-diet-and-nutrition-resolutions?ecd=wnl_wmh_123110

felt


depressed.  tired.  cold.  angry.  lonesome.  fat.  tense.  need a pedicure.   On the flip side, which should VOID all those <---- things.  


grateful.  lucky.  humble.  




heard


i heard a bunch of the Tudors today.  jamie isn't feeling well so our home was closed to the sun most of the day and very quiet.  


too much time for my thoughts




read


I am reading Tammy's blog.  She sent me an invite and I love the way she can put her thoughts on paper.  My thoughts run around my head and search for words but find only feelings.

I LOVE ETSY!!!  Here's just an example of things I love at etsy.com

http://www.etsy.com/treasury/tags/statement,fashion?utm_source=bronto&utm_medium=email&utm_term=+Make+a+Statement+&utm_content=etsy_fashion_122910&utm_campaign=etsy_fashion_122910

Another day of rain!  At least it's not snow.  East coast is getting hit hard and I am so glad I'm not trying to travel by plane this holiday. 

Today I will try to make country biscuits.  I will master it by the end of the year so I think I will be making ALOT of biscuits.  Here's the recipe I found:

Ingredients

    2 cups all-purpose flour

 1 teaspoons sugar

 1 tablespoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

8 tablespoons butter, cubed

 3/4 cup milk

Directions

In a large bowl combine flour, sugar, baking powder and salt together. Cut butter into mixture until it begins to look likecornmeal.

Make a well with flour mixture and slowly add milk into the middle.Knead dough with your fingers and add milk when necessary. Roll out dough onto a lightly floured surface and roll out to desired thickness. Cut with small biscuit cutter.

Butter bottom of skillet and place biscuits in pan. Bake for 12 minutes or until golden brown.

So wish me luck and watch out Paula Deen!

News Flash!


Mom locked her keys out of her car at the post office and may have met her future handyman/movie date but he didn't usually hand out his phone number.  But he stayed with her in 30 degree weather for two and half hours and did give her a phone number.  Kasey says my Mom is a cougar.   OMG  WTF

Very, very relaxing holiday for the two of us and with the weather so cold and all the rain.  At least we aren't getting snow like everywhere else.

Now for the month of January!  

Reflections:

As sad as I felt that Mom was alone on Christmas Day, her heart was warmed by calls and cards from unlikely people.

Her youngest son's oldest son has reentered her life at a very important time in his life.  He just became a father and he is sharing baby Ava with her great grandmother.

And my other brother's daughter called her and she hasn't stopped beaming about that.

Today she said that she hasn't left the house in four days because of the snow.  The roads are clear but wet and she's afraid of ice.  I can only hope that she doesn't try to drive.

I am almost always sad for her.  At 79, did she ever think her life would be like this?  Things could be so much worse than they are.  I keep telling her that.  Her younger sister is sick with Parkinson's disease in Japan and no one there to take care of her.  Neither one is able to go live with the other.  Her youngest son in prison and dying of liver cancer who she will never see again.  Her middle child has proven that he does not care about her.  It's easier for him to care about a stranger than to show tenderness to her.  And then there's me.  The oldest.  I call her every day.  Sometimes more when I know that she is feeling low.  I can tell in her voice that she's missing us.  I am thankful that she has her walking friends and church group ladies that give her lots of entertainment.  As soon as we can leave here for the east coast, I will feel better.  She can come and visit.  She can cook for people again and take care of someone besides herself again.  She really does enjoy that but as of late, she has enjoyed her solitude.  I'm still tempted to get her a dog.

I am thankful for:

For Jamie, when I asked if he was lonely this Christmas since we were all alone, he said "I have you here. How could I be lonely."

For a daughter that whatever I did wrong in or to her life, she made it all right.

For breathing in and out

and I talked to Don tonight.  I am so happy that he got to call me on Christmas.  I could hear how happy he was to hear my voice.

I am thankful that I can make him happy.

My wishes for the new year (I'll start my list now!):

That next Christmas, we will be near our daughter and family.  I want to be near Toyoji.  I want to be near Kasey.  I want to be near Mom.  At least on the same fuckin' coast.  thank you 

I want to lose weight and quit smoking,   Sheeeesh, both of those in one breath.  Already feel defeated.  Stop it, can't think like that.

Merry Christmas to us!  Could it more laid back than this?  What an enjoyable morning with sweetie!  We outdid ourselves with our "stocking stuffer" gift giving.

food


jamie has added a new item to our menu list.  mini-angus burgers!!!  cute, little sliders with onions and cheddar cheese.    hello? delicious




early wrapped little package


i got a little piggy keyfab equipped with light and sound effects.  Too cute and pink.

Food (new category!)


We've decided to  go to Onami's for Christmas Day Lunch.  Doesn't that sound good?  And then some nice "cow" and a spinach salad with shrimp appetizier.  Should they be raw shrimp or should i do sumthin' with them?  I'll have to think on that one.


I need to make more snow balls and peanut blossoms to eat eat and eat and to also give away.  

Read


I did my research on liver tumors and i'm more confused now than I was before.  Are they cyst or tumors?  What kind of tumors?  What is liver blood test results?  What about cirrhosis?  See where I'm going with this?


Felt








Heard


Willow Smith on Ellen doing "I whip my hair back and forth".

It's STILL raining~~~~~!!!!!!!

PF Chang's Lettuce Wraps

i'm gonna make this real soon

ingredients needed:

• 8 shiitake mushrooms
• 1 tsp cornstarch
• 2 tsp dry sherry
• 2 tsp water
• and pepper
• 1 1/2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken
• 5 tbsp oil
• 1 tsp fresh minced ginger
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 onions, minced
• 2 small dried chilies, (optional)
• 1 (8 oz) can bamboo shoots, minced
• 1 (8 oz) can water chestnuts, minced
• 1 package cellophane Chinese rice noodles, prepared according to package
• Sauce:
• 1 tbsp hoisin sauce
• 1 tbsp soy sauce
• 1 tbsp dry sherry
• 2 tbsp oyster sauce
• 2 tbsp water
• 1 tsp. sesame oil
• 1 tsp. sugar
• 2 tsp. cornstarch
• "Lettuce Jammers" lettuce wraps

That's a lot of shit.

Instructions

Cover mushrooms with boiling water, let stand 30 minutes then drain. Cut and discard
woody stems. Minces mushrooms. Set aside.
Mix all ingredients for cooking sauce in bowl, and set aside.
In medium bowl, combine cornstarch, sherry water, soy sauce, salt, pepper, and
chicken. Stir to coat chicken thoroughly. Stir in 1 tsp. oil and let sit 15 minutes to
marinate.
Heat wok or large skillet over medium high heat. Add 3 Tbsp oil, then add chicken and
stir fry for about 3-4 minutes. Set aside.
Add 2 Tbsp oil to pan. Add ginger, garlic, chilies(if desired), and onion; stir fry about a
minute or so.
Add mushrooms, bamboo shoots and water chestnuts; stir fry an additional 2 minutes.
Return chicken to pan. Add mixed cooking sauce to pan. Cook until thickened and hot.
Break cooked cellophane noodles into small pieces, and cover bottom of serving dish
with them. Then pour chicken mixture on top of noodles. Spoon into lettuce leaf and roll.


That's about the same prep work as sukiyaki


Maybe I'll wait until next year to try this one.

When I need to buy a gift for anyone in the future, I will go here first:

http://www.etsy.com/treasury/tags/holiday+fashion?sort=creation_date&order=desc&utm_source=bronto&utm_medium=email&utm_term=Holiday+Fashion&utm_content=etsy_gifts_122110&utm_campaign=etsy_gifts_122110


I mean seriously, they have EVERYTHING and it's handmade and it's helping out some fantastic artist with amazing talents and did I mention SERIOUSLY, you can find ANYTHING for anyone.


http://www.etsy.com/treasury/tags/upcycled?sort=creation_date&order=desc&utm_source=bronto&utm_medium=email&utm_term=+Upcycled+&utm_content=etsy_gifts_122110&utm_campaign=etsy_gifts_122110

Seen

It's still raining and I've become a mermaid.

Read

Page 7 of 23 on liver tumors

Watched

Then I watched Ellen with her wife, Portia.  I really like them both.

Seen

Rain and rain and rain and more rain.  Coming down in sheets and waves.  More importantly, I saw Mamie Graber and Janice's daughter Lydia today.  Mamie is Wendy's mom who is my bestest friend from high school.  I haven't seen Mamie since I was in high school and Lydia was in diapers.  Lydia is now in the Navy and 27 years old!!!  It was an enjoyable lunch at Seaport Village except for the RAIN.


Mamie is an incredible woman.  Still checking off things in her bucket list and driving herself all over the country with her dog.  She's almost 80 and amazing.

Felt

I felt really old when I was remembering my high school years.  Just seems like another lifetime.  It would take me a week to just write down everything that has happened to me since then.  Too many events; too too many.

Tonight I felt sad when I started hearing about my close friend tonight about her boy and his troubles.  Sad because she's realized that there's no use in continuing to play with that boy.  And better because I think she understands why this is all just a waste of time.  If it's meant to be, it will return.  If it's meant to be, then things will feel "fair".  If it's mean to  be, then things will be about compromising and not about selfishness.  If it's mean to be.

Tasted

The blandest clam chowder I have ever had in my entire life.  Do not order chowder at the Embarcadero Grill at Seaport Village.

Heard

Rain, rain, rain, rain

Wind and more rain.

Read

The first chapter of Dead Reckoning, of the Sookie Stackhouse Series.  OMG!  I'm in love with a viking named Eric!  Can't wait for the book to be released.  See link below.

http://www.charlaineharris.com/DeadReck_1.html

seen

watched the voting of the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" saga.  it's about time something has started.  get it over with.  common sense people, common sense. 

tasted

toasty pancakes with syrup and warm strips of pig.

heard

early this morning, when i was trying to fall asleep, around 3pmish, anvil-ass decided to listen to music in her living room.  i hate this part of being a building of people.

felt

scared again and I absolutely hate it when I do this but Jamie went to the post office to mail package to Toyoji and took longer than usual.  and then the sirens started.  and they were close.  No answer to my text and I begin to worry.  I HATE when I do this.  HATE HATE HATE

read

still catching up on the What We Feel blog.