Received a letter from Don today.  Five tumors and two doctors think four tumors are shrinking.  Overall he said he's not sure the doctors know what they are talking about.  Sheeeeeesh

Blog showing some of my pictures

http://itashiphotos.blogspot.com/

Monkey sex.
No, that isn't how I threw my back out yesterday.  But it's happened before.

On the bright side:


Meatloaf,
mashed potatoes
and
gravy
is
damn
good
eats.

I am going to be sharing my "blogournaling" soon.  hmmmmmmm, she says!

Why am I so hesitate about sharing these vignettes of ramblings?  hmmmmmm, she says again!

It's all good.

I made Meatloffington today!  Yummo!  I should make homemade macaroni and cheese.  No wait, NO MORE cooking.  Too many leftovers already.  Breathing deeply.

  

Got a letter from Don today dated Nov 11th.  He said he had a 4 phase CT scan on the 12th.  He talked to a Doctor Campbell.  Don requested an appt with Dr. Lewis to discuss the results.  He said he wants to be active in his treatment if it was possible.  He wrote, "One part of me wants to find out the results now and another part of me doesn't want to know.  It's kind of wierd but I don't feel like I'm dying."

And then he said, "I just watched part of the Oprah show with Marie Osmond.  She is really one hell of a woman.  She has gone through alot of pain in her life.  She reminds me of you.  You know you have gone through a hell of alot and I feel like I've lived through some of it with you.  You are an incredible woman."

Tissue, I need tissue.

We have always started our letters to each other with:  Hi Ugly!  Always.

Today, it said Hi Ugly, Not really.  Hi Beautiful!!

More tissue please.

I have always known he loved me.  Never doubted it.  Never will.

Side note:

I am so excited about my new household weapon!!  We bought a Shark Vac then Steam piece of machinery yesterday.  This morning I whipped it out and threw my back out at the same time.  Sheeeeeesh  WTF!  I'm fine and I still like my Sharky.  But Really?

Survivor, Criminal Minds, here I come

I am in love with vinegar.  White vinegar.  Not to eat or drink but for all these other reasons:

http://www.vinegartips.com/Scripts/pageViewSec.asp?id=7

I think I'm beginning to like this blogging business.  Too bad noone can read it yet!  HA!

As much as like to handwrite pretty on paper with the perfect writing utensil, this is a much easier and smoother way of doing a journal.  Still a safe place to dump my feelings because no one can read it.  I think I will ask Amy to read and to keep unless something happens to me.  Jamie will probably want to edit it.  No, wait.  He WILL edit it.  And I think Kasey will criticize it a little too  much for me right now.  Maybe later.  

Wallpaper of the moment:

Love this website:

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=kandeejohnson#g/u  

Kandee Johnson is a makeup artist that is so talented and so damn bubbly that it almost makes me sick.  But she's so cool and very informative.  I really enjoy her blogs about her Glaminars and her kids and her pregnancy.  Her videos on youtube are very informative and she does great Halloween costumes.  She's a nice brightness in my day.

http://www.naimies.com/

Kandee recommendated website for makeup, tools, etc.

Thoughts:

If you feel a tightness around your shoulders, don't be scared.  it's me giving you a hug.

Justin has passed away. I never even considered him dying.  I thought he was doing well with the chemo treatments and that he was progressing.  He was always reporting that he was doing well and he was upbeat and .......   I hope his suffering has stopped.  That there is a better place where worries and sickness aren't always on one's mind.  Where you can walk through the day and have nothing but smiles above your head.  


I will not attend his memorial.  I cannot cry through it, in front of everyone.  I cry everyday as it is.  My day is made up mostly of very sad moments.  I can't add a memorial and also seeing all those people would add to my list of sadness right now.  Justin would understand.

****************************************************

Toyoji had his first plane ride yesterday and he was a champ from what Kasey said.

He said this is his crazy plane face.  Kasey took him to Denver to see her father for his first plane experience.  How exciting!  Sure wish he could have made it to California.  But soon I will be closer to him, so I am happy.




Thoughts:


It's nice to have companionship and not be alone but you have to work at it.


Other News:


Jamie bought me a Shark Vac n Steam today.  I'm sooooo excited.

We have a beautiful kitchen now.  I will have to look for the "before" pictures but here's what it looks like now.

We are so proud!

Ava Galloway

Two weeks old

Robin called me on Saturday and it warmed my heart.  She has been out of my life for so long that I was sure I would never hear her voice again.  She wants to communicate with Don.  She wants to tell him that she still loves him and some of her best memories where with him.  I cried.

And now he's a grandfather.

To Jamie

'cause if your love was all I had

In this life

Well that would be enough

Until the end of time

So rest your weary heart

And relax your mind

Cause I'm gonna love you

Until the end of time

That would be enough

Until the end of time 

He says everyone around him knows he's dying but he doesn't feel like it.

Don's really sick.  Spoke with the SW today.  "I regret to inform you" are not words you want to hear over the phone from someone you don't know.  His liver is covered with tumors.  So many that a biopsy would be dangerous.  The colon is fine and more scans are scheduled.  He says he doesn't want us to come.  We sent money so that he can get toothpaste, soap, etc,  SW will look into getting those items out of the package Mom just sent.  Some CO told Don he couldn't get them.  Outrageous.  I didn't tell Mom anything only some to Kasey.  I don't know when to tell Alan,  Today's his birthday and his first daughter was born on Sunday.  How am I supposed to tell him?  Does he even want to know?

My head hurts and my eyes are swollen.

Made it out of bed today.

Household upkeep and a shower.

Grilled chicken burritos, quac, onions and bell peppers.

Happy tummy!

Catch up on paperwork tonite.

Can't seem to get in gear.

Unable to think clearly.

Day two in bed since coming home from visiting Don.

After visiting Don on the 10th, a 6-day migraine began.  Weather was rainy and dull and cloudy.  I hate weather that gives me a headhurt.  

Fast forward to Thursday, Oct 21st, when I received a letter from Don.  He'd been in the hospital since the 13th.  He waited to write me.  Thought he'd get better.  He said he thought his liver was shutting down.  He had severe stomach pains and he would catch himself rambling and have no idea what he was talking about.  He contacted the triage nurse and she scheduled a doctor's appt. the next day.  His blood pressure was 73/41 but he tried to convince the doctor from admitting him,  By being admitted, he loses his cell and his cellmate.  They box of your stuff and it sits there until you leave the hospital. 

I didn't sleep thursday night.   Friday morning I started calling the prison.  Nothing good came of that.  I left messages and make hotel reservations.  Then we were on the road.  

Arriving at the prison early Saturday morning, I was ready for a battle but fortunately his doctor left notes that he could have visitors.

We only stayed for two hours.  He was in alot of pain and couldn't sit still.  No real diagnosis and no real ideas.  The doctor stoopped the antibiotics and plan to do colon tests next week.

Our visit on Sunday was longer (5 hours) but he was very tired.  We talked and cried.  One of the most difficult for me was when he looked me in the eye and cried.  I will never forget that feeling.

I will begin calling the prison hospital later this week.  Not sure how I will be able to help from out here.

I am a tired girl.

The kitchen cabinet doors are painted but not hung.  (that's what she said)

The cabinet base are all done.

The color for the bathroom is done and test patch on the wall.

Endive by Martha Stewart.

Isn't that special?

We bought an air conditioner but it was too small.  Neither one of us are handy enough to figure out how to make it work so back to the store it went.

It's 96 outside today.  Wouldn't you know it.

My man found suitable hinge replacements and they should be up this afternoon or tomorrow  Then we can tackle the popcorn ceilings.  But first we are waiting for the granite peeps to call to set up an appointment to take measurements of the kitchen counter.

I CAN'T WAIT

Welll, finally the last major boxes have been taken to the storage room or dropped off at goodwill.  Very nice feeling; and I even had time to sort through my sewing box.   OMG

Tomorrow will definitely be either bathroom or painting trim or kitchen cabinets


.................. stay tuned.

Guess what?  Still tired.
Packing done so now we need to work on the kitchen and the painting.
I am so excited, I can't stand myself.

Tired.
Mind hurts.
Being bossy.
Mind hurts.
Tired.

Midnight
Slept four hours last night, so store room antics were a little slower on my part today.  Hoping that tonight will be better after a warm shower.

By the way, I love my new iPhone  It does SOOO much.

245am  - Can't sleep, not even drowsy, mind won't stop it's wandering through all things present, past and future.

Just take a deep breathe and exhale

Take a deep breathe and exhale

deep breathe and exhale

exhale

Ahhhhhh, Southern California weather is the best!  In the 90's today with NO humidity.  I repeat, NO HUMIDITY!!!  I must give the my plants a drink of water at sundown today.


I finally fell asleep last night in the midst of my mind tossing and turning about all the things going on   at present.  Toss and turn, toss and turn.  Will I ever sleep through the night again.


Today is "rearrange living room furniture day."  Hold me back, I can't wait.  No seriously, I can't wait!!


Most boxes are gone to either the storage room or off to goodwill.  Most of walk-in closet is done but still need to store away our suits, wedding dress, blah blah blah


Right now I am waiting for FEDex to deliver my iphone.  I missed them yesterday so I am hoping they come by early today.  I am having dinner and a movie night with Stephanie to see Eat Pray Love and I am very excited.


tah-tah for now

I am a daughter
I am a mom
I am a grandmother
I am a wife.

My never-ending need for patience in my life lately, is taking it's toll on my ability to be everything to everyone.

Mostly, myself

I just want to lay down and rest but not my body.  My mind needs a rest, a time-out, a "let's sit this one out" period so that everything can find it's rightful place in my mind again.

Helluva way to begin a blog.